Second Impressions Work Better


Today at work (I work as a waitress in a Pub/Restaurant), one of my colleagues discovered I was a christian. I’ve gotten know him quite well since I started about 4 weeks ago and he truly is an amazing person. We have great banter and, if we can get away with them, we prank each other. Naturally, he was curious as to how ‘christian’ I was. For the sake of ease of reference I’m gonna call him… Frank.

Practically all of the people I work with know I have a Boyfriend, some of them knowing he’s AS and Deaf, and so Frank was curious as to how my faith effects my relationship. He’s quite an up front kind of person, so one of the first topics we talked about was the ‘sex before marriage’.

Literally, everyone knows that ‘Christian’s don’t have sex before marriage because it’s a sin‘.

Yes, it is. Sex was created between two people within marriage. But that’s not the only reason why I follow this command. In fact, the main reason I don’t want sex before marriage is so far away from me being christian, that if I said I was Christian right now, I would still not have sex.

You see, as I think I’ve mentioned before, my mum and dad have brought me up with the inclination that if I’m dating someone who I don’t see myself married to, what’s the point in dating them? Therefore, as I’ve gotten older, that’s expanded onto; If you don’t see yourself married to that person, why give them your whole body?

This isn’t saying that I don’t see myself married to Dale. As a matter of fact, it actually respects Dale more, because if heaven forbid that we ever did break-up and went our separate ways, I wouldn’t have had any of his body or him any of mine, which means when I’m married and can give my body 100% to my husband. I’ve always hated the idea of my future husband asking me about me being virgin or not, and me having to reveal that somebody else has shared me. This distaste of that scenario has kept me sexually moral to myself (and my Christianity).

Dale and I have also mutually agreed that we will keep ourselves to marriage, because that part of a relationship is so important that it shouldn’t just be squandered on a 3/4 month relationship.

I have tattoos, but that doesn’t stop me being Christian.

I actually have three tattoos. A common misconception is that tattooed people can’t be Christian because in the bible it tell you you can’t get inked. The bible also tells us that we can’t lie, honour our mother and father, not to commit adultery, not to have sex before marriage and not to eat pork, but it never once says you can’t be Christian if you do/don’t do any of those things. My Tattoos are also based heavily around my faith as a Christian too (which doesn’t make it any worse or better, but to me, if I’m going to ink myself, I needed something very meaningful to me). One of my tattoos focus on my family; Mum, Dad, Sister and Brother, and when I get married, my Husband and then my children.

Dale doesn’t mind my tattoos, but he doesn’t want me to be covered in them. I think he would have preferred for me not to have tattoos, but he still loves me. (He also met me and started dating me after I’d had the three already, so they were kind of there before he was).

Do I date only Christian Men?

A few years ago (like, when I was fourteen) I would have said no. After all, my mum and dad weren’t christian when they started dating and when my mum became christian, she was still married and loved my dad even though he wasn’t. There were also some non-christian boys who I had crushes on, so I didn’t want to only keep to christian boys. Also, there was no boys in my age group at church who I fancied either.

But now? Because of bad experiences I’ve had with non-christian boys (both being in a relationship and not), I’m thinking I’ll be keeping to Christian men (not that Christian men are perfect either. Well… Dale is). It’s more of a safety net rather then it being influenced by my faith. [Good] Christian men will have the same morals as me, and not push for anything that God doesn’t want, whereas it is more likely that non-christian men won’t have them same views and would probably find it difficult to understand my reasons for not wanting to move in with them before marriage.

This isn’t saying that non-christian men a savages and have no respect for women, because I have met and are good friends with some who are very lovely and are very moral. I’m sure this is the majority and I’ve just been unlucky to get the minority of boys/men who don’t have that same respect for women. 


Frank and I have now found something new to talk about…

He’s actually looking forward to talking religion/faith with me (in case any of you are wondering at all; he’s married and muslim, so no. No competition). I think he’s relieved as much as I that we see that our religions/faiths are practically based off the same thing, with only a few differences that we would probably end up agreeing on most things. He doesn’t seem to be bothered about the N.S.B.M rule, and so was a little ‘meh’ with the whole idea.


ONTO A DIFFERENT TOPIC BUT BASED AROUND THE SAME THING:

I thought it might be a little interesting to know how Dale and I very first met. It’s quite simple actually.

HE STOLE MY CAPO! 

That’s right! I was playing in the Worship Band at church with my guitar, and while packing away, I left my Capo next to my dad’s P.A Desk. Dale thought it was his somehow, and he took it home, leaving me capo-less. After my dad posting it on Facebook, Dale replying saying he’d picked a capo up thinking it was his, Dale messaged me. That was it really. That was two years ago.

Actually, technically, the first time we somewhat interacted was when I was at church, and attempting to sign along with a song, Dale obviously saw me struggling and making a fool of myself, he went to the front and signed for me (showing me the proper signs). We never spoke really, until the Capo incident, and then we didn’t speak again for about two years until my mum put us in touch.

Mum basically said there was this guy a church who is struggling because of his hearing and because I knew sign to ‘befriend’ him and help him feel a part of our church. We began talking; I bought him a Christmas present, and then about two months later he asked me on a lunch date. Cute huh?

So it was actually the third impression that kicked mine and dale’s relationship off officially.


So, if you screw up your first impression, or don’t fully make the impression you wanted, you always have a chance to grow on that person and show them who you really are. 

Thank you for reading… It means a lot.

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Princess Slays the Dragon

“Sometimes it’s the Princess who kills the Dragon and saves the Prince”
– Jammel Lowe

Today Dale had it tough. He had about six Anxiety Attacks due to his upcoming Cochlea Implant Operation (Thursday 16th). Putting it into perspective, the last time he had this many anxiety attacks in one day, was when he had a breakdown about ten years ago.

Dale, for the last week has been trying to avoid the chance of getting ill, as becoming ill before the operation could cause the operation to be postponed for another three weeks. He’s fought so much already for the date that he really can’t wait anymore, and it being called off to be rescheduled would cause so much stress to him, more then what it is already. Today (and a little of yesterday), Dale was getting fleeting symptoms of a Cold, so of course has been worrying himself sick that he might be getting ill.

And when I mean worrying himself sick I LITERALLY mean worrying himself SICK.

Quick biology lesson; when you stress out, you tire your body out. Your breathing and heartbeat rises higher then usual, which is why when you’ve had a stressful day you’re a lot more tired at the end of the day. Because your body is tired and worn out, sometimes you’ll find that your body will act differently and seem to get symptoms of illness.

This is what has been happening to Dale. With the stress doubled by six anxiety attacks, his body is already quite exhausted and started showing signs of tiredness. That and the boy hasn’t been eating or drinking normally for the last 24 hours. When I picked him up from work, I could tell my funny-punny-laughy-jokey Dale was far away, replaced by tired-stressed Dale.

So I tried to make our night tonight after he came home from work relaxing and stress-free. How did I do this?

Normally I don’t make decisions, not because he’s controlling, but because I’m very indecisive. I’m that girl who says “I don’t mind”. Which, of course, annoys Dale. A little. He does well at encouraging me to make decisions. Well, tonight, I took control and decided on what we did. So we sat, watched Monsters Inc and chilled. He was able to sit back and reset himself (a term he uses when he’s overloaded).

Not too long after we got home and he had relaxed did I have my Dale back. He has the most loveliest of smiles (his laugh is even better). I find the key to making him relax (and ‘Force Reset’) is to keep talking to him, whether or not he talks back. He’s also told me it helps him, because he’s concentrating on other things other then just what’s troubling him. I also try to hide the pain I feel when I see him upset or in pain, by smiling and showing him everything’s okay. I really wish I could take all his worries away and permanently make him Happy-Clappy-Hypo Dale.

He eventually accepted that him worrying and stressing and thinking that he had a cold was practically making his body have a cold, which, funnily enough, the symptoms disappeared when he wasn’t thinking about them.

It’s also a good thing to look for support from outside the relationship.

In our church we have a strong support network behind us who I am forever grateful for. What’s even better, is they know Dale and what’s happening right now, so asking for that extra support (and prayer) is easy and rewarding. I certainly was rewarded by a calm happy Dale.

One important thing that I heard, and keep telling Dale, is that he’s not in this alone. Yes, I may not be Deaf, have Anxiety, Asperger’s or whatever else, but I certainly am not about to abandon him just because he has all of that. Same as even though I have a boyfriend with all of this, I’m not abandoned by my family and my church family because of my choice in boyfriend.


I think, another person/people worth noting in this situation, and who gave me this wonderful man, is his parents. Just before I left him to come home, Dale phoned his Dad to explain the situation and why he was quite upset today (of which I’m not too impressed with the Hospital about, but unfortunately happens all the time). Even though Dale couldn’t hear that well, he listened to his dad and accepted some truths in which his Dad told him.


Today was hard for both of us, but we made it through.

Even though Dale has told me that it’s gonna be difficult for the next few weeks (he’ll be completely deaf so will be frustrated and agitated more than usual), I know that because of today, we’ll definitely be strong enough. All it takes is a little understanding and compassion on my part to be able to see through all the struggles and see my funny-punny-happy-clappy-jokey-Dale.


UPDATE: (20/07/15)

Dale’s had his operation and he’s doing well. We mainly communicate now through BSL (British Sign Language) which is a good and bad thing; good because it gives me practise and bad because sometimes it takes a little longer to say things because of me lacking the knowledge of signs.

The hardest thing about this, was seeing him in recovery after the surgery. He wasn’t critical, and he was coming round from the anaesthetic, but it was hard seeing him out of it and not being fully there. Although it was quite funny when he didn’t believe he had had the operation, because ‘he felt fine’. I don’t think he was quite understanding he was on pain meds.
The next hardest thing was hearing that he is slowly forgetting the sound of my voice.

If I’m to be honest (and very selfish), it’s been quite emotional for me over the last few days, but Dale’s been great and making me laugh and practically forgetting the worries. I’ve very sternly told him he’s not allowed another operation (which of course, he told me it’s something I have no control over). I have cried quite a bit over the last few days, and I’m not 100% sure why. I don’t really have the right to either, but I guess knowing how much this means to him, and in turn to me, and that it is finally here and somewhat over; I think body has finally been overwhelmed and released it’s pent up stress, stress that I didn’t even know was there. Dale keeps telling me that I’m so much stronger then he is, but I really think he’s a lot stronger then me. I’m just putting up a facade so my worry and emotions don’t bring him down, as he needs to keep positive and up beat especially while recovering.

Dale knows my feelings, in fact, I’ve cried (once since the op) in front of him.

There is also some other good news too. Dale discovered, that despite believing that he would be 100% deaf (to the point that if the Cochlea did fail, a hearing aid would be of no use), he can still hear a little. Mainly really loud noises, but it gives us hope that even if the absolute worst should happen (which won’t), the option of returning to a hearing aid is still on the table.

Also, his ‘Switch-on’ is sooner then what I expected too (when the doctors turn the CI on, henceforth allowing him to hear). 13th August. I am full on rooting for that day. I still have to figure out what I’m going to say as the first words he hears. I was going to have me saying “I love you” as the first words, but we both couldn’t wait any longer to tell each other, and as we didn’t have a date for the CI op, we didn’t know how long we would be waiting.


Anyway, thanks guys for all your support. We know we’ve been slightly lazy over the last week on posts, but a lot has happened so we’ve been unable to write interesting material worth reading (this post alone has taken nearly a week to write). Hopefully, as we start having more normal weeks, we can keep up with the Blog.

Ciao

Aspie’s are not Aliens

You may have read Dale’s “Open Letter to New Aspie’s”…
So here’s mine to NT’s. 

Dear NT’s (Neuro-Typicals),

When you think of Autism, what do you see; is it a “naughty-loud” child in a restaurant? Is it somebody incapable of speech or basic motor systems (walking/eating)? Is it somebody who seems weird and out of sorts? Or do you see what I see?

Autism doesn’t make the person

If there’s one thing that I’ve always impressed with Dale, it is that Dale isn’t an “Aspie called Dale”. Of course he knows that himself, but he’s asked me before about whether I would still love him if he was “normal”. So I will say the same to you. You’re not talking to an “Aspie named so-and-so”. Whatever their mental state is, you are only talking to a ‘Dale’. Yes, they work differently, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of intelligent, engaging conversation and normal, everyday things.

They aren’t disabled

I struggle sometimes with this one, even now with dating an Aspie. I sometimes catch myself justifying somethings he does by saying “oh but that’s because he’s Aspie” or saying “just bare in mind that he’s Aspie“. Yes, fair enough, we need a little more consideration in regards to some situations, but that’s no reason to use “Aspie” as an excuse. I want to be clear, I don’t think Dale as disabled. After-all, he lives on his own, he has a University Degree in Computer Science, he has a well-paid job and he’s still alive. Just. But he’s alive. My turn to get into trouble now. 


If you are about to or are currently in a relationship with an Aspie, I want to give you some advice.

Dating an Aspie can be as easy or hard as you want to make it, and to be honest, if you really want your relationship to work, it will be easy. It doesn’t take much more effort then what a NT-NT relationship takes and you won’t notice the effort.

If there was anything which I first did when I started dating Dale, I looked up on medical sites the characteristics of Aspie’s. Some of them won’t apply to your Aspie, as some of them don’t apply to Dale, but if you have at least a basic understanding of how Aspie’s think and some of their traits you’ll learn very quickly how best to support them.
I didn’t know Dale was Asperger’s until less then a few weeks before we made it official, so I got to know him without the thought of him being Asperger’s in the back of my mind. Maybe this helped? I don’t know, but I do think that if you are serious about dating someone, you should get to know them without all the strings, so that when you decide to make it a thing, those strings won’t seem like strains.

I also wouldn’t scare yourself too much when reading up on Asperger’s (not that it’s scary), but for example, Dale told me that, even though it is a very rare occurrence, Aspie’s can become very obsessive and possessive and hence lead to an abusive relationship. Just because it says that ‘this is what they’re capable of‘ doesn’t mean that’s what your partner is like. After all, any person NT or AS is capable of being abusive, but it’s about knowing that person and knowing whether that is something they would do.

I remember Dale actually scared himself that he might become abusive, and this is where you come into play in knowing your AS partner. I know for definite, no doubts, that Dale could never be abusive. It’s not in his makings. Yes he gets frustrated, but so do I. Yes we sometimes chuck pillows at each other in play-fighting but he has never once touched or even spoken to me in malice. He’s been upset with me or hurt by something I’ve done, but he has still never been offensive to me.

So that’s the other part. Know your Aspie Possibilities, but also know your Aspie’s possibilities.


Boundaries are a good thing in any relationship

When Dale and I first began officially dating, we told each other what we were comfortable in doing (physical contact) and speaking about. This has changed as our relationship has progressed, in some instances adding new boundaries or editing already set boundaries, so just to reassure you, once you say a boundary, it doesn’t mean it’s set in stone and you can’t change it. For example, (and I’m going to be rather graphic) if you previously said that your okay with your partner touching your bottom or breasts (if your a lady of course), but you decide that actually, you’re not comfortable with that, you can and must tell your partner.

Maybe if you’re dating another NT they would be able to pick up that you’re not comfortable with that, but an Asperger’s may or may not. So don’t get trapped in the vicious cycle of “but it makes you happy“. Be encouraged that your partner should be happy when you are happy and would want nothing less for you. I know this about Dale because he’s always asking me ‘Am I okay?’, ‘What do I want to do?’ and sometimes is the first to ask whether he’s doing or done something wrong.

Quick Aspie Possibility; Your Aspie may not like too much or any physical contact.

When I learned this about Dale, it did worry me a little. Not because of the thought that he doesn’t like to hugged or kissed on the cheek, but because I was worried I may have made him uncomfortable by kissing him on the shoulder, or placing my hand on his knee. He explained that that’s why he doesn’t really have physical contact with anybody, including his parents. Originally, when he told me he doesn’t really hug his mum or dad, I didn’t think anything of it; I’ve never seen my dad or mum hug their parents, but when he told me it was actually an Aspie trait I did worry.

Luckily, and I hope he doesn’t mind me revealing this, I’m one of his ‘Safe People’. This of course doesn’t give me the ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card to touch him anywhere I like. He still has his boundaries.

So if your NT, make sure you discuss this with your AS Partner. You will both feel more at ease, trust me.


Honesty is the best policy

As with any relationship; family, friend or partner, you need honesty. If you can’t be honest with your partner, then I would implore you to think about the reasons you’re with them.

I know that I can trust Dale and I know that whatever we speak about won’t be spread without the other saying it’s okay to do so. I also know I can lay my cards on the table with him and know that he won’t think of me any differently. Dale’s taking a little longer to realise that no matter what his deck is, I still love him, but he is getting there.

For example, when he would have an anxiety attack, when we were first getting to know each other and then dating, he would pick and choose which subject of the attacks he would tell me. He also would not tell me if he was upset with me or why. He would also not tell me if he was in pain in some way. We have finally reached a point where, even though Dale and I do still have some secrets, we know that we won’t think any less of the other no matter what the circumstance.

We always say to each other “I love you for who you are today and who you will be in the future“. We normally say this when we reveal that there’s something in our history that we would rather not discuss at that time or at all, and we are mutually okay with us having secrets. They’re not bad secrets and they’re not secrets which will effect us as a couple, but it’s a fact about our past which we’d rather not share. We’ve both had fairly bad pasts. Who hasn’t?

That’s the false-hood of ‘Honesty’; SPILL YOUR GUTS! Think of it this way:


Honesty is getting up off the sofa, and your partner asking “Where are you going?”. You reply with “Just to the toilet.”


FAKE Honesty is coming back to the sofa and revealing the density, colour, shape and contents of what you did on the toilet.


So the key is to be honest! If you don’t want to see your partner today, don’t say that your great great nan choked on a squirrels forehead hair and needs an operation to remove it.

Notice something. None of the above is too out of this world for being in a regular, normal, healthy and successful relationship.

I hope that these reminders will help you no matter what type of relationship you’re in, but more so that you see that a relationship with an Aspie isn’t a difficult or too different thing.

So, I’m going to leave it there, but I hope this helps. 

An Open Letter To The Newly Diagnosed Aspie

Hello, Dale the Aspie again.

I thought it might be helpful to those dealing with a recent diagnosis of Aspergers, whether it is official, or whether someone in your life has suggested it. So here we go:

Dear Friend

You may have found your way on to this page and are dealing with a recent diagnosis, or maybe someone has just sent you this link who suspects you may have it. I’m not going to help you discover whether the diagnosis is right, but I will hopefully help you to feel at peace, and know perhaps the most important truth about Aspergers you’ll ever hear.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU

Some people will try and tell you that you are broken in some way, but you’re not. Your brain is simply wired differently to others. Wonderfully, fantastically different.

You have the amazing privilege of seeing the world around you in a very different way to all the others around you. Do I sound patronising? Because I’m not. I’m telling you a truth I learned from roughly 15 years of living with my diagnosis.

You’ll have your fair share of struggles, sure. But other NTs (neuro-typicals – those without an Autistic condition) struggle in many of the ways you’ll excel. I’m sure Alli won’t mind me giving you an example: I deal with logical, calculable things much better than Alli does. I can handle abstract concepts and mathematical formulas much better than she, I think, whereas she excels in instinct, and common sense. Alli see’s the world in colour, I think. An artwork – a painting. I see it differently. I see mathematical structure, patterns. Some people will say seeing rules and patterns is a horrible way to see things. I say: they haven’t seen it, so they cannot tell.

But not all Aspie’s are the same. You may not excel with that and that’s ok. Each Aspie has his or her own wiring, much the same as we cannot expect all NTs to think and behave the same, not all Aspies are the same either. You may see the world yet differently to me.

Let’s go through a few ways Aspergers will affect your life.

How will I cope socially?

It’s true, many Aspies struggle socially. Heck, I know I certainly do. You may have trouble reading body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. You may confuse different emotions, and maybe even upset some people.

Does that mean I will struggle to make friends?

You may have been bullied at school for being different. Let me reassure you, it’s not always like that. Yes there are nasty people out there, but I have been blessed to know a lot of NT people who are supportive and helpful. Here’s something for the guy Aspies: you will get on better with female friends than male. It’s a well known trait, and it’s believed to be down to that women are much more forgiving of social errors, whereas men make a big deal and make jokes. This is certainly true of the women I’ve been around.

There are lots of people out there that will love you for who you are, that will understand you are different, not ill.

What about a girl/boyfriend?

It took me a long time to find Alli, but she is proof that there are a lot of people out there that will REALLY love you. I know of other Aspies who have someone romantically linked to them, even if they don’t fully know that themselves. At times it may feel to be an uphill struggle, but don’t lose hope. I would strongly suggest online dating.

I have a confession to make. I did online dating.

A lot of my friends don’t know this, but I tried online dating, and even though I met Alli in “real life” outside of online, I don’t regret it at all. I met a number of women on the site, and though I never ended up in a relationship with them, they taught me by “trial and error” how to approach dating, dates and women. If I hadn’t have done online dating, I doubt I would have asked Alli out in a proper fashion, and she may not have agreed to go on that important first date because I stumbled at the starting blocks. I’m sure Alli will disagree with me, but I’m right this time.

Boy am I gonna pay for that when she reads this.

So go ahead with online dating. If you want to date another Aspie, I think there are sites out there that cater for such. Remember: stay safe. Always tell your family and friends where you are going, what you are doing, and set a deadline for when you are home AND STICK TO THAT DEADLINE. If you are going to stay out late, phone or text them. I can’t stress this rule enough

Will I be able to hold down a job?

Yes, yes and double yes. Again, you may have to work harder than some others, but you can get a decent job and keep it. I know Aspies that are great at what they do, some even are excelling in their field. There is no “glass ceiling” for Aspies, and if anyone ever tells you there is, tell them they’re wrong.

What about University?

If you’re student age, I would strongly suggest you consider University if you have the grades. It can be done, and it might even help you to socialise with others and make friends. Join a union, hang out in the bar after your essay (or before, but I wouldn’t recommend it!)

If you don’t have the grades, don’t worry, you can still excel in your career. Find out what makes you unique as an Aspie. Your view of the world. Is it maths? Code? Colour? Sound? Find something with that at its core.

I think I may have mental health problems

It’s quite common for an Aspie to have mental health issues. I myself have a diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Generalised Anxiety, and a self-diagnosis of depressive episodes. There is help available: talk to a Doctor, join a therapy group and you CAN manage it. I struggle sometimes, but it hasn’t beaten me yet.

I think that’s all I can think of for now, so I’ll end on a positive note:

YOU ARE NOT ILL

Asperger’s isn’t an illness. You are just another person, who is gloriously different to the others. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, and is worth celebrating. I’ve spoken a lot about the difficulties you may face, and let’s be realistic – there are difficulties. But there are so many positives. I know what mine are, yours may be different.

Embrace your wiring. It was no accident – you are made with that wiring.

DON’T LET ANYONE PUT YOU DOWN.

Yours sincerely,
Dale.

I’m a blubber…

Fun fact: I blubber at films… 

I didn’t get to sleep last night till, oh, I don’t know, about four? Not because I wasn’t in bed, which I was. And then I was awake again at five/six… aaaaaaaand I have a ten hour shift at work today (hooray for me). I did a bit of internetting while I was the only one awake, listening to my dog dreaming, which basically a conclusion of only Facebook. Then mother came down, did her morning routine and then put on this film; If I stay (2014).

Oh, and also, I’m not writing this at stupid hours in the morning. Actually, it’s 10:50am.

Basic synopsis (hopefully without ruining it):

Teenage girl (Mia) is born into a Rock family (dad’s in a rock band and does quite well for himself), but instead of following in her parents footsteps, learns to play the Cello and is flipping amazing at it. She meets a boy (Adam) who is also a Rock artist and he becomes successful in his music, not surprising since he can sing pretty darn good. Adam, I get the impression, has grown up in an unstable family, and when Mia applies to Juliard (NY) he becomes scared that she’s running away from him. All of this is the lead up to a fatal car accident which Mia, her Dad, Mum and little Brother (Teddy) get into. Unfortunately she is orphaned by this accident. Throughout the film, she goes through her life leading up to this point (narrated by her ghost-self), and also the time in which she is in a coma. It also shows the people who want her to stay [alive] and even shows how Adam came back from Seattle to be with her in the ICU, giving up a gig which could have been influential in his career.

I cried. Lets end it there. You’ll have to find out yourself whether she wakes up or whether she gives up the fight to stay alive. It is a beautiful movie and would highly recommend it whether or not you blubber like a baby at chick flicks. 

Now I have to try and write the rest of this blog post without revealing too much of the end of the film (unless you decide to wikipedia it and read the ending anyway).

My parents have decided that when I’m 21, they’re going to rap me in bubble wrap for a year and not let me out of their sight. Why? Because I seem to have a seven-year habit of getting myself critically ill and basically end up in a life and death situation. Brief summary; when I born I had my umbilical chord wrapped around my neck three times and wasn’t breathing. When I was seven I had a severe kidney infection which resulted in my Right Kidney shutting down (and is now permanently scarred) and my left being smaller then the other (which I actually found out is hereditary in my family). I was either septicemic or close to, either way, I was pretty critical, and then when I was fourteen, I had appendicitis which was misdiagnosed for a week by medical practitioners, which the acid had burned a whole in my bowel. My parents said that the doctor guessed that when I was admitted, if he operated 24 hrs later, I wouldn’t be here today.

Yeah. I seem to taunt the Grim Reaper a lot. 

This leads me to talk about Dale. I know we’re only three months in, but he constantly reminds me that he thinks God had me for him. He said that even though he’s eight and something months older then me, he thinks God was perfecting me for eight years.

We were driving home from Portsmouth after face painting there and he told me that a couple of years ago he gave a list to God of the woman he wants to marry. People told him that he was being too specific. He told me that he began to believe that himself and, although he never forgot that list, that he practically stopped trying to find a girl who matched them characteristics. I’m curious as to what they are, because he then said that he never really imagined finding someone who matched up to those expectations until he met me. Now, I know I’m not perfect. As I’ve said in my last post, I am definitely flawed, but being told and reminded that I was made perfect for someone else is great affirmation.

He then revealed to me that he didn’t make this list until he was late teens early twenties. By that time I was around 10 or 12. So, if my God is real, what’s even greater to know, even though Dale hadn’t made that list yet, God already knew what kind of woman Dale wanted and needed. I hope I am that woman, but only God can reveal that. So far, so great.

So, all them times that I almost packed up and went to the clouds, God was and is holding me here for somebody. 

So, back to the movie. It related to me because:

1) Mia and Adam have two very different music tastes (and both are musicians) like me and Dale.

2) I’ve decided to do the whole critical illness thing.

3) I’M NOT REVEALING THE ENDING (if I haven’t already).

So if you want to see the conclusion of this Blog Post, you’ll need to watch If I stay (2014). There is mild bad language (the odd ‘bs’ word is used) and references to sex (you see a male torso and them making-out and lying in bed topless, but covered by the duvet), so depending on how picky you are on films, depends whether it’s a late night or an early morning movie. It is a PG-13 so it’s not that bad.

Go now. Go watch it. 

Knock Knock, it’s a crying Girlfriend at your door

Dale’s seen it. Dale’s seen the stressed and upset me. Oh gosh…

Something which I feel I need to make clear, not that you guys reading this assume this, just because Dale is AS, doesn’t mean I care for him more then he cares for me. In fact, I hardly care for him at all. The only time I really do is when he’s going through a moment in which his brain needs to reset or he just isn’t comfortable in that situation. But one thing most people don’t see (including my parents), is him taking care of me.

Another thing with me (along with my stupid introvertness), is that when I’m given an ultimatum which I only have a short space of time decide between and both mean a lot to me, I break down for a few minutes. This happened to me. On my way to Dale’s. So I literally arrived at his doorstep with a tear stuck to my chin. Normally I’m quite good at making the best decisions in stressful circumstances (and I think in the end I made a good decision, whether or not it was the one I wanted to make), but normally I’m not driving, running slightly late, unable to get hold of parents, silly drivers on the road and about to see my boyfriend. The ultimatum wasn’t needed at that moment.

Don’t misunderstand, it wasn’t that I couldn’t cope with the decision or that I found it difficult. It was the fact that I felt I didn’t have any control over that circumstance, but I had to make a choice between one or the other. It’s the same with all the things that stress me out. It’s when I feel that lack of control over a situation is when I breakdown for a few minutes and just need time out to get my head back in the game, and remind myself that of course I’m still in control.

Man, you should see me when a wasp is flipping buzzing around me head.

But anyway, so, I turned up at Dale’s and had a quick cry (which is very calming and releases the pent up frustration). Dale, and he is amazing for this, just sat there and reminded me that he loves me and whatever decision I make will not effect that. Well, he didn’t just sit there, he actually let me cry on his shoulder and wet his basketball tee. He even apologised incase he caused some of the stress (which he didn’t).

I think what’s more annoying, is that normally I’m quite composed and able to keep my emotions at bay (or at least the screaming, raging, hysterical emotions). When I had parked outside Dale’s, I even said to myself ‘Don’t Cry‘. Dale opened the door to me, quite surprised I think, and the floodgates of Alli opened up taking no hostages.

What’s amazing is, that even though Dale (and even I) didn’t know why I was so upset at the time, Dale just held me in his arms, and even wouldn’t let me make the decision until I had fully calmed down. Maybe this is because of his own experience with his  Anxiety where his brain shuts down when he’s overloaded, so he knows better then anybody, nobody can think clearly when they’re upset or stressed out.

I’m actually quite impressed with myself I haven’t cracked at work yet. It’s not that it’s stressful (which to be honest, it can be at busy times), and I have made three or four mess ups, but it’s more that I don’t like achieving perfection.

Man, I’m flawed. Are we definitely sure I’m NT? 100% sure? 

This is the absolute beauty of my relationship with Dale. Dale is AS. Dale is also deaf. Dale also has anxiety. He is what too many people who don’t understand would call disabled and undesirable. The beauty of it is; I’m not perfect either. I’m a perfectionist, I have stupid phobias, I’m an introvert and I have/get insomnia (I’m writing this at 2:30am). I’m controversial (dangerously so to the point of sometimes sounding offensive when I’m not being at all). I seem to have no filter between my brain and my mouth.

If I offend you at any point, it’s probably because I’ve spoken before I’ve but the squidgy thing in my cranium to work. 

I don’t expect perfection from Dale. Not because he can’t achieve it or because he’s not perfect already, but because I’m not perfect myself. To be honest, I don’t tell Dale that enough; He’s perfect. Yeah, he has luggage (not baggage), but I have room in my life to take it on. I think I’ve always had that room. As a Christian, I believe that God made me perfect and that there’s a guy out there who is perfect for my needs and wants, and me for him.

Do I hope this man is Dale? Yes. I do. I love him and I think he’s perfect, and I would never think otherwise.


Update on the task I set myself. 

Even though I originally protested, I went out with my colleagues for a drink to chill out after work and I look forward to the next time. I was originally making excuses that I’m at work from 12 (lunchtime) today, but even I knew that wouldn’t stick. I mean, c’mon, it’s 2:40am and I’m still not in bed.