Dale’s seen it. Dale’s seen the stressed and upset me. Oh gosh…
Something which I feel I need to make clear, not that you guys reading this assume this, just because Dale is AS, doesn’t mean I care for him more then he cares for me. In fact, I hardly care for him at all. The only time I really do is when he’s going through a moment in which his brain needs to reset or he just isn’t comfortable in that situation. But one thing most people don’t see (including my parents), is him taking care of me.
Another thing with me (along with my stupid introvertness), is that when I’m given an ultimatum which I only have a short space of time decide between and both mean a lot to me, I break down for a few minutes. This happened to me. On my way to Dale’s. So I literally arrived at his doorstep with a tear stuck to my chin. Normally I’m quite good at making the best decisions in stressful circumstances (and I think in the end I made a good decision, whether or not it was the one I wanted to make), but normally I’m not driving, running slightly late, unable to get hold of parents, silly drivers on the road and about to see my boyfriend. The ultimatum wasn’t needed at that moment.
Don’t misunderstand, it wasn’t that I couldn’t cope with the decision or that I found it difficult. It was the fact that I felt I didn’t have any control over that circumstance, but I had to make a choice between one or the other. It’s the same with all the things that stress me out. It’s when I feel that lack of control over a situation is when I breakdown for a few minutes and just need time out to get my head back in the game, and remind myself that of course I’m still in control.
Man, you should see me when a wasp is flipping buzzing around me head.
But anyway, so, I turned up at Dale’s and had a quick cry (which is very calming and releases the pent up frustration). Dale, and he is amazing for this, just sat there and reminded me that he loves me and whatever decision I make will not effect that. Well, he didn’t just sit there, he actually let me cry on his shoulder and wet his basketball tee. He even apologised incase he caused some of the stress (which he didn’t).
I think what’s more annoying, is that normally I’m quite composed and able to keep my emotions at bay (or at least the screaming, raging, hysterical emotions). When I had parked outside Dale’s, I even said to myself ‘Don’t Cry‘. Dale opened the door to me, quite surprised I think, and the floodgates of Alli opened up taking no hostages.
What’s amazing is, that even though Dale (and even I) didn’t know why I was so upset at the time, Dale just held me in his arms, and even wouldn’t let me make the decision until I had fully calmed down. Maybe this is because of his own experience with his Anxiety where his brain shuts down when he’s overloaded, so he knows better then anybody, nobody can think clearly when they’re upset or stressed out.
I’m actually quite impressed with myself I haven’t cracked at work yet. It’s not that it’s stressful (which to be honest, it can be at busy times), and I have made three or four mess ups, but it’s more that I don’t like achieving perfection.
Man, I’m flawed. Are we definitely sure I’m NT? 100% sure?
This is the absolute beauty of my relationship with Dale. Dale is AS. Dale is also deaf. Dale also has anxiety. He is what too many people who don’t understand would call disabled and undesirable. The beauty of it is; I’m not perfect either. I’m a perfectionist, I have stupid phobias, I’m an introvert and I have/get insomnia (I’m writing this at 2:30am). I’m controversial (dangerously so to the point of sometimes sounding offensive when I’m not being at all). I seem to have no filter between my brain and my mouth.
If I offend you at any point, it’s probably because I’ve spoken before I’ve but the squidgy thing in my cranium to work.
I don’t expect perfection from Dale. Not because he can’t achieve it or because he’s not perfect already, but because I’m not perfect myself. To be honest, I don’t tell Dale that enough; He’s perfect. Yeah, he has luggage (not baggage), but I have room in my life to take it on. I think I’ve always had that room. As a Christian, I believe that God made me perfect and that there’s a guy out there who is perfect for my needs and wants, and me for him.
Do I hope this man is Dale? Yes. I do. I love him and I think he’s perfect, and I would never think otherwise.
Update on the task I set myself.
Even though I originally protested, I went out with my colleagues for a drink to chill out after work and I look forward to the next time. I was originally making excuses that I’m at work from 12 (lunchtime) today, but even I knew that wouldn’t stick. I mean, c’mon, it’s 2:40am and I’m still not in bed.