Coming to terms…

This is going to be a very real blog post. It’s very close to the hearts of myself and Dale. We have talked fairly in depth about this, and we’ve both agreed to write about this subject. We don’t know 100% all the details and facts on this subject, so don’t take our word as gospel. We could be 100% wrong on everything.
Please be respectful in any comments you make either to us or to others with this same circumstance.

I’ve always wanted children. I’ve always pictured myself as a mother, taking my children to school, feeding them, looking after them, buying them things and tucking them into bed. I’ve never second guessed me having children, because it’s just part of the way God made me. I am a child at heart, and having children is at the centre of my heart. It’s also what Dale wants. He wants his own children (three daughters to be exact) to be a daddy to.

Don’t mistake, Dale and I are not having or planning children for at least another 4/5 years, and even then we have other things to plan before children even come into the equation. 

But there is a big ethical issue looming quite close to our heads. It can be quite controversial (as I have seen over the internet when researching) and it can be quite emotional.
Because of Dale being Autistic, it is a theory that his children are more at risk of also being Autistic. 

Through my research across the internet, I have read that it is not always the case that an autistic child will definitely be born to an autistic parent/s. There is a chance that the child won’t be, even with a direct heritage, but of course there isn’t any method of predicting; it is Pot-Luck, just that with an ASD Parent, the Pot-Luck is biased.

Dale and I have discussed it together on two separate occasions. I still have no idea how I feel about it. Of course, if I did have autistic children, whether through increased possibility or just random chance, I would still love them and all, but it’s more about how I feel about the whole ethical side of things. Is it ethical to have children knowing that they could have Autism or a Mental Illness? I’m not sure where I stand, and how others would accept my decision. It is a tough one. I’m not afraid of Autism. In fact, through getting to know Dale, I’m quite intrigued and somewhat in awe of it’s capabilities.

I also follow a Facebook Page which follows a Parent of 15 year old Girl with Asperger’s, and apart from the occasional blip in the system, it is a relatively normal life. Go check the page out!

When it comes to me thinking of others accepting my decision, I’m mainly thinking of my family. Of course they would love and cherish any children that I have, whether they are severely ill/disabled or come out with just a cold. But how would they deep down feel that despite knowing the odds and chances that I still decided to have biological children? Moreover, if my prospect child knew/found out that, knowing the risk I still chose to have them, how would they feel about it?

I know at the moment it seems as if I’m writing against the argument, but this is my thought process on the subject. Messy, confusing and very conflicting. 

But it all boils down to this…

I could sit here tossing and turning over the difficulties my child would have if they were autistic, and it would be difficult. A difficult thing for me is that [most] autistic people don’t like physical touch. Yes, there are some who don’t mind or have select people who they allow physical contact (Dale is an example). Having someone who I love dearly who couldn’t bare me just hugging them is quite a difficult reality I will have to come to terms with in my own time.

I remember clearly Dale telling me that little bit of information, and me being worried that I’d overstepped the mark a bit with him, then him assuring me I’m one of his safe people. 

Of course I’m talking rather selfishly here, about how I would react and do things, but of course, the important thing is, I wouldn’t be on my own. I have my own parents, I would have my husband (which, of course, I would hope is Dale), my husbands parents and also the support from outside the family.

Talking less selfishly and more upbeat, Autistic children can be an absolute delight. They have such a different way of thinking and doing things that it may teach me a few things. For example, I was trying to make a decision over something fairly important, and Dale used the Pro’s and Con’s thing to help make a decision. Me being me, it still took a while, but eventually I did make it.
I used the same technique again today with Dale over trying to decide on going to the pub or having take-away tomorrow; it didn’t work and just confused Dale, but hey… at least I tried. Of course anybody with brains would automatically do this process of Pro’s and Con’s, but I’m doing an Art Course at University. Of course I have no brains! I’m also very rubbish with decision making.

Overall, I want to have children. 

My justification is that I want children. I don’t care if they are autistic, down syndrome or any other mental illness. [In the future] I want someone who is part of me who I can love unconditionally and who will love me unconditionally. It is a very real thing which Dale and I will continue to talk about I’m sure for a very long time to come. It’s not something to just jump with to feet in at once, because if we’re not prepared, it’ll be like being hit by a Fighter Jet Airplane. Of course, you learn on the job, but I think we would prefer to be prepared before all of that.

Thank you for reading guys.


Author: Alli

Howdy! Artist | Illustrator | Designer |Photographer | Waitress What do ya know... I'm a round-house aspie lover!

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